The dream
Today it hit me again like crazy: spasticity. One of the most difficult symptoms of MS for me. I’ll try to explain to you, what it feels like. My left leg, which is generally my “worse” leg, is more strongly affected by it, than my right leg. Even before I get up, my whole body is very stiff. At times it can be even hard to get myself upright – the first challenge. The second is the way to the bathroom. My knees stick together as if someone put glue in between. It is hard to even stretch my legs and if they get stretched, oftentimes the spasticity will immediately hit my legs, which can be painful at times. Being in this state makes it impossible to bend my knees e.g., for going up a staircase. If I try to, assisted by my husband who helps me by standing behind me and taking one foot after the other unto the next step, it is hardly possible, because my knees simply will not bend.
Walking is not easy and even with my walker it is more like I am crawling rather than walking along the hallway. The spasticity is different from day to day. There are good days and bad days, depending on the weather and the season (winter is worse than summer). Because I have had bad experiences with medication concerning this symptom up to this point, I try to avoid using it. I rather use my medical bike to train my legs passively and actively.
To make you understand the whole “leg thing” you also have to know that my legs are extremely heavy. At least that’s how they feel. Depending on the condition on a particular day it’s like somebody tied bricks to my legs.
I guess after this short description you will understand why the following song has been touching me over and over again. These are not my words, but they could be as they feel like coming straight out of my soul. „Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1L2lToMlB4
This song reflects so much of my fastened legs, my situation, my longings, and my hopes. It has brought tears to my eyes many times. But it also encourages me to continue to hope, believe, and pray. To hear words of someone who had lost hope and then began to understand how crucial it is to continue to praise God, even in the worst of circumstances is challenging – I sometimes succeed and oftentimes fail. But it reminds me again of a God who is bigger than my circumstances. It frees me from constantly staring at myself and my problems and instead looking to the one who is still in control.
The dream remains, even after all these years: I want to be able to dance again!
