The pain

Strange night. Lots of tossing and turning. Snippets of thoughts. Dreams with no memory of them. Frustration on the bathroom scale. I’m sitting at the breakfast table and I’m on edge, in a bad mood. Why? I have no idea. Afterwards physical therapy – my mood isn’t getting any better. Resignation about my “MS-body”, that is wearing me out, about pains, tense muscles, malpositions that are not reversable from a human point of view. And then … tears.

What do you do with a day like this? I know a lot of good formulas, even use them from time to time, and try not to let myself get down but still … the inner pain is real.

And it’s okay. It’s not wrong to admit to yourself that you are not okay. That you are tired of fighting. That there is no way to cope with the situation right now. I should just put on a happy face? Are you kidding me?

No, on a day like that my soul is simply crying. It is good to fight the thought, that it will always be so dark. It is good to know that tomorrow is a new day with a new perspective on things.
But it is equally important to allow the sadness, to take it seriously and not to dismiss or ignore it. Because God doesn’t either. He takes my pain very seriously.

Years ago, I used the following words in a song to describe this:

Only you, my father, know the darkness, the pain
That is within me, makes me cry.
But you are, my father, so much bigger than the pain.
Hold me.
I need you.